A man’s alarm goes off at 5.00am
He casually whispers into his wife’s ear - “intercourse or golf course?”
His wife does not flinch an inch when replying - “don’t forget your sweater.”
April 7th, 2008 by admin in Golf | No CommentsJokes about Rules
GEORGE CARLIN’S NEW RULES FOR 2007New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky bastards.’
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ‘decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and One NutraSweet,’ ooooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing ‘Enter,’ verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want Cash back, and pressing ‘Enter’ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to ‘beef with broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they’re already doing that. It’s called ‘The Howard Stern Show.’
New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell If he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, ‘Do you want fries with that?’
Laughter - Is it the best medicine?
When I cry, the world feels sorry for me…..
When I’m angry, the world is angry back at me…..
When I’m frustrated, the world is frustrated at me….
When I laugh, the world laughs with me…..
Humor is raw. You can fake being happy, but it is very hard to fake being funny.
It is almost impossible to fake a healthy belly laugh. A gutoral emotional state that causes you to roll around the floor in a hysterical and uncrontrollable fashion.
The healing properties of laughter are no joke!
Whilst you may not roll around the floor in laughter at every or any joke at rockingjokes.com we hope you enjoy at least some of them.
All the very best!
RockingJokes.com
June 22nd, 2007 by admin in Zoo jokes | No CommentsZoo jokes
Zoo Keeper:”I’ve lost one of my
elephants”
Other Zoo Keeper:”Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
Zoo
Keeper:”Don’t be silly, he can’t read!”
Zoo jokes
A father and his small son were standing in front
of the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how
ferocious
and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a
serious
expression. Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out
of his
cage and ate you up …”
“Yes, son?” the father said
expectantly. “What bus should I take
home?” the boy finished.
Zoo jokes
You don’t see many reindeer in zoos, do
you?
No. They can’t afford the admission.
Zoo jokes
Zoo visitor: What’s the new
baby hippo’s
name? Hippopotamus keeper: I don’t know, he won’t tell
me.
Zoo jokes
Some vampires went to see Dracula. They
said,
“Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?”
“Yes,”
replied Dracula, “have lots of giraffes.”
Zoo jokes
Come on, Fred,
I’ll take you to the zoo. If
the zoo wants me, let them come and get
me!
Yo momma jokes
Yo Mama so fat she gives herself group
hugs!
January 19th, 2007 by admin in Yo momma jokes | No CommentsYo momma jokes
yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to
watch 60 seconds.
Yo momma jokes
yo
mama’s teeth are so yellow that when
she smiles traffic slows down.
Yo momma jokes
yo
mama’s teeth so yellow that when she
smiles everyone sings, “i got
sunshine on a cloudy day”…..
Yo momma jokes
Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book
mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!
January 19th, 2007 by admin in Yo momma jokes | No CommentsZoo jokes
Fred’s class was taken to the Natural History
Museum in New York. “Did you enjoy yourself?” asked her mother when
she
got home.
“Oh, yes,” replied Fred. “But it was funny going to
a dead
zoo.”
Zoo jokes
Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his
pal asked him how he
had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied,
“it was a total con! I saw
a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I
followed it and saw the monkeys.
Then I saw another sign that said To
The Bears, so I followed that and
saw the bears. But when I followed
a sign that said To the Exit, I
found myself out on the street.”
Zoo jokes
There was this truck driver who had to
deliver
500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck
through
the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves
another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to
the state zoo for him.
The next day the original truck driver
arrives in town and sees the new
truck driver crossing the road
with 500 penguins walking in single file
behind him.
The
original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, “What’s
going on?
I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!”
The new
truck driver responds, “I did take them to the zoo. And I had
enough
money left over so now we’re going to see a movie.”
Zoo jokes
The
Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year
they predicted the general luck and
overall mood of the year by
watching the the gnu. If the gnu’s ears
were forward, that meant a
successful, joyous year was almost certain to
happen. But if his ears
were laid back flat against his head, it meant
that an unlucky or
very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was
young Mary’s
turn to “survey” the animal and come up with the
prediction. It was
her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to
take the
key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu.
Well,
she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in
fact
it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran
the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU’S
EAR!
January 19th, 2007 by admin in Zoo jokes | No CommentsZoo jokes
A father and his small son were standing in front
of the tiger’s
cage at the zoo.
Father was explaining how
ferocious and strong tigers are and junior
was taking it all in
with a serious expression.
Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the
tiger got out of his cage and ate
you up …”
“Yes, son?” the
father said expectantly.
“What bus should I take home?” the boy
finished.
Zoo jokes
Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young
zoo keeper
asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task.
“Go and
clean out the aquarium” he was told.
Arriving at the aquarium, he
discovered that all the fish were dead. He
rushed back to the head
keeper and asked what he should do. “Throw
them to the lions” said
the head keeper, “the lions will eat anything”.
So the young keeper
returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead
fish and threw
them into the lion’s cage. That done, he returned and
asked what he
should do now.
He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house.
Off he went and
started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead
chimpanzees in the
cage, and rushed back for instructions. “Dont
worry” said the head
keeper, “just throw them to the lions, the lions
will eat anything”. So the
young man returns to the ape house
and throws the dead animals into the
lions cage.
Returning
again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean
up the
insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he
notices
that all the bees have died.
“I know what to do”, he thinks to
himself “I’ll throw them all to
the lions, as the lions will eat
anything”, whereupon he brushes them
all up and throws them into the
lion cage. The next day, the zoo obtains
a new lioness. The lioness is
walking around the new cage for the first
time, and starts asking
the other lions what things are like here.
“Hows the
accommodation?”, she asks. “Fine” comes the reply from one
lion. “And whats the
food like?” she asks.
“Not bad” replies another, “yesterday, we had
fish, chimps and mushy
bees”.
Zoo jokes
My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other
day. I
said, “If you want people to see you they can come here and
do
it!”
Zoo jokes
“Hey, Pop,” pleaded Angelo, “can I go to the zoo
to see the monkeys?”
“What’s the matter with you?” asked his
father.
“Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt
Maud is
here?”
Zoo jokes
Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in
awe as a lion let
loose with a spine-tingling roar.
“Let’s
get out of here!” said Sauer.
“Go on, if’n you want to,” said
the other redneck. “But Ah’m
stayin’ for the whole movie!”
Zoo jokes
An enterprising mayor of the city of
Granby,
Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo
that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise
to many unusual events.
Last September one of the star
attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape,
escaped to the dismay of the zoo
director. The matter was a serious one
because the members of the
staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for
animals, had no
experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing
them.
The zoo
director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the
secretary to the mayor asked, “Have you looked in the yellow pages”?
The
director said he hadn’t, but would, immediately.
To his
surprise, under “animal capturing service” he found a listing
for the
Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.
Within 20
minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo
and
a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at
the door.
“Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?”, the
little man asked. The
director said there was, within one half mile from
the zoo. “Hop in
the truck”, the little man said. The director did
and they drove off.
Minutes later they arrived at a small grove
and immediately spotted
Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the
ground.
The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and
the little man
opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out
and began running
around in circles.
The little man reached
into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he
opened. In the
suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to
the zoo director,
a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk
of the tree,
and a baseball bat.
“Now,” the little man said, “I’m going up
into the tree with the
baseball bat, and I’m going to knoc
k the ape out of the tree. The
instant the ape hits the ground the
dog, well trained, will bite the ape by
the crotch and chomp-down
with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and
instinctively, grab at
his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you
snap the
handcuffs on and we’ve got him.
The zoo director, pointing to the
shotgun leaning against the tree,
said “I’m not too sure about this —
what’s the gun for?”
The little man said, “Look, I’m an
expert. I know what I’m doing and
things will go just fine, after all,
I have the baseball bat. I know my
job and it’ll never happen but
if the ape should, by any chance, knock
ME out of the tree, SHOOT
THE DOG!!!”
Zoo jokes
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a
holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla
cage
at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful
young
nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then
he went back
into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed
thumping on his massive
chest. The nouns met again a week later and one
of the nouns asked her
friend,”I have one question.Did he sent
flowers
afterwards…?”
Zoo jokes
Caller: Finally! I got through! I’ve been trying
to call the zoo for
hours!
Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were
busy!
Zoo jokes
A Scotsman paying his first
visit to a zoo
stopped by one of the cages
“An’ whut animal would that be ?” he asked
the keeper.
“Thats a moose from Canada”, came the reply.
“A moose
!!”, exclaimed the Scotsman. “Hoots, mon, if that’s a
moose then
they must ha’ rats the size of elephants over there !”
